31st July 2014 - July reflection

Hello again. Firstly, thank you all for the lovely responses to yesterday's blog; there were people who have never liked one of my Facebook posts before who liked that post, which really meant a lot. I was thinking that I would spend today writing up a more extensive "part 2", but I decided I'd do that at another date, after I have had a bit longer time to think it over. Today's blog, on the 31st of July, will be a look back at my month. I thought this would be a nice idea for the final day of each month, so I could one day look back and say "hey, check out what happened in October 2016! I ate 3 packets of Mini Cheddars!"

The main thing that happened in July? A holiday to with some of my closest and dearest friends (Dan, Matt, Jon, Dean and Stu). We'd been planning this for what seems like forever, so it was lovely to finally do it, quite frankly. Our location of choice was the Peak District, for a week of relaxation, laughter, and Stu doing impressions of Batman. As holidays go, it was probably the best one I've had; the weather was perfect - apart from one day that it was too hot, but hey, 6 out of 7 ain't bad (as Meatloaf sung in the 7" extended version of his song); the scenery was beautiful; the accommodation was lovely, and very well priced; and, most importantly, the company was brilliant.

Here we are enjoying a BBQ. Matt is enjoying it more* than the rest of us.

*More flamboyantly.

In terms of my creative pursuits, it was a pretty dead month (until this challenge started right near the end). I am hoping I will have more to report on this front come the end of August!

As for leisure time, I spent what was arguably too much time playing various Pokemon games on my Nintendo 3DS - I would happily argue for just as much time that it was incredibly well spent, however. This was spent partly on Pokemon Y, but mainly on a port of the GameBoy Color game, Pokemon Trading Card Game, which has recently been re-released as a download on the 3DS' eShop. It has been a wonderful hit of both nostalgia for one of my childhood favourite games, as well as genuine enjoyment for it as a videogame. I have found it to be more challenging than Pokemon Y, despite (or perhaps partly helped by) the more limited game mechanics.

Before you judge me: POKEMON TRADING CARD GAME GOT 4 STARS IN THE GUARDIAN, SO IN A WAY PLAYING IT IS VERY CULTURED.

Also during this past month, I have met up with a local published writer named Lesley, and we have been discussing the possibility of starting a stand-up comedy night in Berkhamsted. I'll give you more details of this once those details are more set in stone.


In terms of days out, I went to see a very enjoyable football match (my team, Chelsea, beat Wycombe 5-0 in a pre-season friendly), and I also saw plenty of comedy previews as part of the Tringe Festival, and all (apart from one) definitely went down as an hour well-spent.


August has in store for me: another meeting about the possible comedy night; a handful or so of gigs booked in; the Edinburgh Festival; birthdays of a couple of brilliant people; last but not least, the Cheddington Cup. This is an annual football tournament that myself and 5 friends play to see who will be crowned this year's Cheddington Cup Champion. Now in its 4th year, it's pretty much bigger than the World Cup. Also, I have 31 blogs to write in August. That's a whole lot of writing, and a whole lot of travelling. August, you are going to be fun, but shattering.

Thanks for reading.

Tom.

30th July 2014 - shyness and being socially awkward.

Told you I'd see you tomorrow.

Firstly, a bit of admin (that I really should have cleared up yesterday); it may be the case that blogs for one day are written/published at on different days close to that day. For example, this blog is being written at 23:09, as I often find the late/early hours of the day are the ones where I enjoy writing the most. Due to this, each blog will have the date before the title in future, so you know which day the writing applies to.

Secondly, I have a busy few weeks coming up, including the Edinburgh Festival. I do not have a laptop, so from roughly 8th-16th August, I will not be able to publish a daily blog. On these days, I will type up something by hand, and type them up once I am back.

Now that's out of the way: welcome to my blog for 30th July 2014.

In this blog, I am going to write about being shy/socially awkward. I've been trying to write some stand-up about this recently, and I've got a few bits written. However, I'd like to write more about it, so I am going to write a few paragraphs about the subject in general - without aiming to be funny every 15 seconds, like I would be if I was writing stand-up - and see if it can spark any ideas by reading it back, or even as I write.



I was a very shy child. I really struggled with communicating with people; so much so, that I didn't say anything for 3 whole years. I can remember watching videos of when I was around 4, and my Grandpa was filming at our house. While my brother would grab the attention of the camera, asking Grandpa to film him making the toilet flush (6 year-olds are easily entertained), I could be seen running away when the camera turned to me, trying to hide, not wanting to be seen. This specific notion of being camera shy continued into my late teenage years.

The above photo was taken on 12th February 2010 (thanks Facebook). It is the first photo of me that was uploaded online. Four of my friends (Andy, Jon, Matt and Duncan) posing for a lovely photo - meanwhile, I am hiding behind the pole, not wishing to be captured. For those of you who don't know, I was born on December 2nd 1991 - so this was taken when I was 18. Yep. 18. It seems incredible that this was so recently (so much has happened since), but it was. This camera shyness mainly came from the fact that I hated how I looked. I was far more insecure back then. Nowadays, I am less bothered about my appearance, and I pretty much don't care about the aesthetics of people in general; there is still the odd day where I will feel down due to my reflection, but, on most days, I am pretty comfortable with my lot. I have plenty of more important things to worry and get sad about!

I was also really shy when I was in my teenage years; I can vividly remember every Business Studies lesson that I would spend sitting on my own at the front, with no-one sitting next to me, not saying a word for the whole hour. Across all of my 7 secondary school years, I reckon that I would have put my hand up less than 5 times to answer a question posed by a teacher. This was partly due to a trepidation about getting the answer wrong and looking like an idiot, and it was also partly due to the fact that I didn't want the attention of the whole class on me, even if it was only for 10 seconds in an hour. In year 8, our form had to do a play for an assembly; my task was to walk across stage holding up a sign, that made up half of a phrase. This was a role I was happy with, because I was terrified of being given a speaking part. I messed it up, though, because I was so nervous about simply walking across the stage, that I held the sign backwards while staring right at the floor. In year 9, I had a reputation in my form for being quite funny, so I was given one line to say in another assembly play. On the day of the play, at around 7:50, I told my Mum I was feeling ill. I wasn't ill. I was terrified. Terrified, of saying 1 word in front of 120 other people. So terrified, that I missed an entire day of school.

But then there's the other side of the coin; I had gained this reputation for being funny due to the silly voices and ideas I'd perform in drama, a subject I went on to do at GCSE. Although I didn't have any friends in my class, and I was often quite nervous when performing (and very quiet when not), I managed to get 38/40 for my performance, and my overall grade was an A. Also, at the age of 18, I did my very first stand-up comedy gig. On February 9th 2010 - just a few days before that photo above was taken - I stood up in front of strangers. Adults, who I didn't know, in a pub (a place I had never chosen to go into before). I told jokes about being a virgin, about being single, about being a loser. Those adults? They laughed. Before the gig, I was terrified, shaking, and saying to my friend Ruth who was with me that I wanted to go home. 30 minutes before the start time, I even said to her "would you be annoyed at me if I ran away from this?"; her response: "no. I'll be proud of you if you do it". It was a mixture of the fact that she, too, is a very shy, awkward person, and the belief she had shown in me, that spurred me on to do it.

How did other people react? Well, my parents....they didn't know. I had told them I was going to a friend's, as I was too scared about how they'd react. My other friends? I didn't tell them. The first public admission to them that I was performing stand-up was a video of a gig I shared in August 2012 (I'd only done a handful of gigs up to that point). 

It's interesting; nowadays, I am far more confident in myself, in terms of my ability to talk to other people, to make friends, and to do the right thing in most situations. However, I am still very awkward. For example, there are still times within the past year where I've been off to do a gig that night, but I've said to my parents "I'm off to see a mate", because I was scared of having to talk to them about it if it went badly; scared they'd disapprove of me spending my time and money doing something that doesn't always go well. Also, at gigs, people would probably not think I'm a comedian; most of the time, I sit quietly, reading my notes, sipping on a glass of water. In contrast, there are many comedians who play a game called "who can make the best joke/show off the most" before the gig begins. This isn't a slight at any of those comedians, not at all - just an observation that I am far more introverted than the majority of comedians on the open mic circuit.

It is now 23:50. Despite my statement earlier that I may finished some pieces after midnight, for this piece, I am feeling quite tired, so I'm going to leave it as it is for now. Over 1000 words in 41 minutes; not too bad. 

There is no doubt literally thousands of words more I can say about this subject - including anecdotes, theories, thoughts about how I interact with other awkward (and non-awkward) people, how I have developed (over the last 4 years in particular) - and I will do so soon. For now, thanks for reading.

Tom.

Don't forget to check out Dan's blog!

A creative kick up the arse.

Hello there, readers. This is my 4th blog of the year. Yep. Only the 4th. Long-term readers will remember that last July, I embarked on a concept called "Project Create", where I did a total of 31 blogs in July alone.

It's safe to say that I've been in a bit of a creative slump recently.

This is where this blog comes in. Last night, my good friend, Dan, said: "From here on out I am committing myself to daily writing, weekly blogs and monthly videos." My first thought was "that's exciting! I can't wait to see what Dan creates". My second thought? "That makes damn good sense".

Some - stuff it, probably most - of the best things I've ever created have been at times where I've forced myself to do so. Everything from the poem Two, to almost half of my YouTube videos (which were filmed during Vlogtober, where me and a handful of friends set-out to vlog every day of October last year). I've always said to myself "you're the type of writer who can't sit and write things; you just have to wait until inspiration strikes!" - but that's bullshit. I just have to work hard at it. I've had a few things that have stopped me being as productive in my creative endeavors this year - a lack of money from being unemployed has made me not gig as much as I really want to, while depression can make me just feel disinterested in any form of creativity on some days.

But, if I look back at the last few years, I could have done so much more. While I occasionally think of great things out of the blue, such as a fair bit of my stand-up, where has that got me? Ultimately, if someone said "Tom, we want you to do a 20 minute set, tomorrow", I'd be terrified at the prospect of that, as I don't know if I have more than 10-15 minutes of material I'm confident and happy with. Compare that to this video of my good friend - and far better stand-up comedian - Pete Dillon-Trenchard. It shows him performing a 5 minute stand-up set that he wrote in the afternoon of the gig. It's not just a set - but a strong set. Granted, very few people can manage to write a strong 5 minute set every, but it doesn't change the fact that he managed to write that purely by putting his mind to it, and telling himself "I am going to write this today". Ultimately, that's how most great things are written - not by casual writers who only "write when I'm in the mood", but by writers who work damn hard at their craft, and force themselves to write often.


The target is to write at least 500 words a day. It may not all be funny, it may often just be ramblings; but this is about getting myself back into the habit of regular writing and creating regularly. There are many things I really want to have done, but haven't managed to summon the motivation to do this year; we (me and Dan) have only done a couple of podcasts this year; I've only done 3 blogs in almost 8 months; I've only uploaded a few videos this year...quite frankly, I've been frustrated at my lack of progress and achievement. This is me putting on a big metal boot, swinging my leg back, and kicking myself up the arse.


See you tomorrow.


Tom.

This is a link to Dan's blog. Go give it a read, because he's bloody brilliant.

Jim Davidson and Rhys James at the Tringe 2014

On Saturday 5th July, I made my way to the Court Theatre, in Tring, with a good friend. We were heading to see a couple of comedians as part of The Tringe, a 3-week long festival in my hometown. I love stand-up comedy - I'm going to the Edinburgh Festival for a 3rd time this August - and I love the Tringe. It's awesome. Usually.

On this night, it wasn't awesome. The line-up was Jim Davidson and Rhys James; now, I'll say straight away, I wasn't excited when the Tringe announced Jim Davidson would be on. From what I'd heard, he's racist, homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, and ableist. As a member of the LGBT community, a feminist, and someone who is passionate about equality, this did not sound like my thing. Me and my friend decided we would go, watch Rhys James, and then leave during the interval. Jim would surely be last, as the bigger name? Surely?

He wasn't. Our first sign that this would be the case was when we approached the venue, and saw Jim standing outside; talking to people, getting photos with fans, that kind of thing. As we walked past, he said to us: "here come the critics!", referencing the fact we were young. It made me and my friend smile. He then asked how we were, and we had a brief chat. This led us to exchange "maybe it won't be as bad as we thought? He seems nice enough."

So, we went into the show with open minds, giving him a chance. I didn't enjoy the show. It contained Jim saying lines such as "I know this is sexist, but...", which as a liberal, and a feminist, were not things I could abide. Never mind the throwaway lines about people with mental illness, which - as someone who has suffered from depression for nearly 2 years, and knows many people who have suffered from various mental illnesses - were not nice to hear. Me and my friend both found them offensive, and shared one laugh between us throughout his hour on stage.

However, the rest of the audience enjoyed the show; the end was greeted with a standing ovation. This shocked me, to be honest, given how the show had personally offended me. We clearly were not his audience.

We sat in silence for a bit, a bit in shock at what we had seen. We then walked out, got a drink each, and sitting back in the theatre to watch Rhys James. He was, in my opinion, fantastic. Intelligent, confident, and compelling to watch. Alas, we could tell that many in the audience didn't find him as funny as they found Jim; truth be told, it was a strange line-up, as the two comedians styles and demographics couldn't be more different. While Jim told stories from the 70s and smutty stories, Rhys referenced Pokemon and performed poetry. This pretty much sums it up.

I decided when I got home, I wouldn't tweet anything bad about Jim; that's not my style. I understand that everyone has their own opinions, and people like different things, so why say something bad? It just clearly wasn't for me. I tweeted Rhys, though, because I had enjoyed him, so thought I should let him know, especially in the light of the fact it wasn't an easy gig for him, with an audience primarily there for Jim.

He responded by thanking me, and asking what I thought of Jim. I responded telling him the truth - that I didn't enjoy the show. I didn't @ Jim in the reply; I didn't mention his full-name; I didn't want him to see it, because what good would that do?

Ultimately, however, he did see it. He then proceeded to RT both of my replies, while tweeting me, saying "what a twat". What has followed has been numerous people tweeting me since the gig, calling me "mentally dead", a "tool", "you hemorrhoid". All of this, just for having an opinion?

Some people asked "why did you go?": quite simply, I went to see Rhys James, and presumed he was on first. That is why I went.

Others accused me of being "closed-minded"; the irony being that they are the ones who are being closed-minded, as they couldn't see how anyone wouldn't enjoy Jim.

Some accused me of going in with an agenda, or not paying attention, or needing to "grow up". Why is it so hard for people to understand that not everyone has the same tastes, and Jim just wasn't for me. If people like him, good for them, I hope they have a nice time. Just don't abuse me for saying I don't.


I am due to be going to some more Tringe shows between now and the rest of the festival; if I'm honest, I'm a little scared. My friend, who went to a Tringe gig yesterday, informed me that people were talking about the Twitter incidents during the interval (since then, I've had more messages from people). Will people recognise me from Twitter and try to start an argument, or worse? Will the organiser of the Tringe, Ben Moorhouse, be angry at me for this? Will he no longer want me at any of the Tringe gigs? Or will he be able to recognise that I wasn't trying to stir anything up, and just didn't enjoy one show (having enjoyed all the previous Get Stuffed shows I've seen, at the Tringe and beyond)?

Someone should not receive abuse for an opinion. They should not be made to feel scared in their own hometown just for not enjoying a comedy show. There's nothing funny about that.